The idea of replacing it with an Impreza has gone right out of the fucking window I can tell you. I had hoped that at 29 I was coming to the end of my tenure as an insurance-company bitch, paying out a fortune each year for quite sensibly chosen cars (£780 for a twelve year old 980cc nissan micra when I was 20 being a highlight) but unfortunately not.

The bastards want an average of £1600 off me this year if I buy a Subaru so given the choice of spending a week sat in the drivers seat wanking one off over the steering wheel or a week on an Antiguan beach drinking rum from a coconut… that insurance money is going straight to Richard Branson and I’m buying a cheaper car.

Think it’ll probably be a 330Ci.

Where are my bermudas?

When I’ve sold the six I’m most likely going to buy one of these:

Fulfills all my criteria.

It’s as quick than the six (in fact it’s quicker), a bit unusual, it’ll kick ass on the summer roadtrips and also doing what I do most which is zooming up to the Cotswolds, Bolton and crawling through traffic in central London.

If I get an SL it’ll be leather, heated seats, all that jazz and for good measure it’s just about one of the safest cars to have a big crash in. I’m quite looking forward to the four wheel drive thing too.

They’re usually driven by total cocksmokers but I think giving the STi a miss and getting the wagon rather than the saloon helps fight that image a bit. I still won’t get respect from policemen in it but it hey, I just fancy a change.

Going to test drive a couple soon with any luck so more on that later.

Anybody beat that with something I haven’t thought of?

That familiar feeling has returned, it’s been creeping up for a while and then the other day I caught myself scouring Pistonheads *with intent* and it hit me… I think I want to replace the six.
It’s very hard to even write those words.

The problem is what do I go for? I thought about a Mercedes SEC or an old Ford Granda Ghia, they’re both quite decent old bangers but it’s a step down, neither is as good as what I’ve already got.

I considered a Ford Capri but it’s a bit of a cliche and we’re clear out of luxo-barge territory there.

Perhaps that was it though, I already have a barge and I have the best barge available. I love my barnstorming batmobile of a six! What I need is a change of tack, go in a different direction. Something classic, similar level of cred but just not a barge…

Peugeot 205 1.9 GTi?

It’s quick (probably quicker than the six) it handles (the six doesn’t) but it is still just a small Peugeot and of course it’s front wheel drive.

How does this compare? A worthy replacement or is it just a silly idea? HELP ME OUT!

A bit of beamer bumlove follows, sorry.

It’s a BMW 3.0 CSL or more often than not “a batmobile”. It looks like the mutts nuts and the guy who owned it also has a Z1 *and* and E39 M5 as his daily driver. Not a bad thing to aim for.. I mean you would if you could eh?

The 635 that I’ve got is what replaced the 3.0CSL after ’75 when they stopped making them so it was nice to see them together. We had a good old moan about the new shaped six and then went about our shopping.

Like any car you actually own tho, you still fancy the others, he was quite keen on the fletchmobile, extolling its virtues and despite quite clearly (and rightly I think :( ) preferring his own car, was lamenting some of the technology it used which is now well over 30 years old.

Awesome fucking motor, has inspired me to take the six in for a service and sort out the niggles it’s got left, next stop MONTE CARLO!

brilliant motor!

Over the past 12 months it’s had two new sets of wheels (with tyres), new plates, brake accumulator, all the cooling hoses replaced, a new battery, replacement speakers, head unit, front shockers, track arms and both exhaust gaskets done. Actually thinking about it I shouldn’t be surprise that it’s passed, christ.

Anyhow, I knew it would need work and when I bought it and when I do get to drive it, memories of standing by the hard shoulder or on a country lane with burst water pipes are long gone. I love cruising about in the big battleship and it drives better with every bit that gets replaced, it really is an awesome car.

I’m really really glad I didn’t go fucking mental and get a big load of finance on a modern day rocketship. The six series suits me down to the ground.

Except…

I’d had it about three months before I’d chosen it’s replacement and I don’t go more than about three weeks without spotting something that makes me consider – even if it’s just for a second – replacing it.

Luckily most of the cars that I’d swap it for cost too much. I mean something tells me it’ll be a while before I’m spending £40K on a V8 Vantage.. but today.. I spotted this!

Ready to be driven into a swimming pool

£17K, does that constitute an in-betweener?! Something to tide me over between my brilliant six-series super cruiser and my megabucks V8?!

The luxurious interior of the Turbo R - Yes I can see myself sat there

Seems a little excessive.

The stats they quote seem simple enough so presuming they’re correct and not bodged then 60% of all road related deaths occur on rural roads yet those roads only see 40% of the traffic. Something should probably be done but does it need to be this?

Whilst it’s absolutely bound to have an effect since it’s true that going slower means less carnage in the event of a crash, I think it’s the wrong way to go about it.

They’d be better off spending the money on any number of other initiatives:

1) Loads of people already do 50MPH on rural roads, if you lower the limit to 50MPH they’re going to sit at 40MPH. Educate them about driving smoother, quicker and safer. Bottom line, if you can’t control your car at 70MPH then give your licence back.

2) Make the test a bit more real world. Perhaps three tests, rural, urban and motorway that you’ve got to pass before you can get a licence. Lower the points ban barrier to 3 for the first year, 6 in the second, 9 in the third finally rising to 12 in the fourth.

3) Retests every ten (five?) years as part of the licence renewal process. Get sloppy drivers tuned up and people that have lost it off the road.

4) Foreign drivers to complete a UK drivers orientation course (I’d be cool with doing the same in another country – probably wise given some the manouvres witnessed on various ramshackle rallys)

5) More traffic cops. They can make human decisions. Speed cameras only punish drivers that break the law and not all of those people are driving unsafely – remember cameras are just money-makers for local councils.

6) Variable speed limits. At 2AM on a lit motorway in a modern car you can do way over 70MPH and be safe.

7) USABLE road signs. In New Zealand which is one of the best places I’ve ever driven, any major bends in the road have the corner layout and a suggested safe speed for attempting it printed on it. How simple is that? The speeds are always accurate too. If it says hairpin 15.. it means it.

The problem with all of these suggestions is that the results are going to take a while to show through. No government is going to try and put them into place because they’re not going to be in power to wank each other off about it when the benefits come through.

I’m well aware too that it’s been announced during a time of increased government focus. Policing tactics are being questioned, MPs are being held to account for ludicrous expense claims and we’re in the midst of a pretty shocking financial crisis..

Distracted by a car story, me?!

People have enormous downers on 4×4′s, the X3 and the X5 induce even more hatred becuase they’re BMW and therefore driven by arseholes. The X6 is hated further still becuase even for its class it is *massive* and it also looks wildly different.

Hopefully the X6 M will become the most hated 4×4 of all time.

Anyhow the real reason for this quick update is that I just visited bmw-web.tv for the first time in ages and fell accross the X1. Not sure how I missed it when it was announced but.. here you go.

BMW describe it as a car you can go anywhere in. It’s got snowboarders, mountain bikers and the like in mind, something you can drive up alpine roads to the ski-resort in then on the way back do 155 along the autobhan and park in the street when you get home. Sold!

I can definitely see this happening. Obviously ignore the gaylord plates this one’s got on it :/

The M4 starts off as a two lane motorway and at 7.20AM it’s usually busy. Thankfully I only have to use it for one junction so the 12mph crawl only takes a few minutes, in fact it’s the last real “obstacle” on my journey.

So this morning I’m on the M4 in the outside (of two) lanes and my exit is approaching, so I’m looking in the mirror and over my shoulder for a gap to appear that I can pull into. One appears, I indicate, look over my shoulder and make the move.

Somewhere I hear a car horn beeping, but it sounds quite far away and anyway I’m the gap and start indicating again to pull off. Next thing there’s some fucking clown on a motorbike abusing me through my window and I realise the beeping was this fucking stealth honda – that’s come from nowhere – and has some fucking maniac wobbling about on top of it, one hand on the bars and the other giving me the wanker sign.

Obviously he hasn’t come *from nowhere* he was in my blind spot when I moved and I nearly sent him flying. I appreciate that the adrenaline of the situation (nearly coming a cropper like all his worst nightmares just like everyone said would happen when “he got that bike”) has made him angry. He was probably even a bit scared but WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU EXPECT?!

It’s 7.30AM on a cold autumn morning, so it’s just about dawn, not the best time for visibilty. I suppose that’s why he’s riding a black bike, wearing a black power-ranger outfit and has a dark helmet on? For me not to have seen him, he’s either been hovering in my blind spot deciding if he can fit past or been filtering up in between the two lanes of traffic in which case been in **two sets** of different blind spots for about 50% of his journey!!!

What the fuck is filtering anyway? I’ve never really known whether it’s even legal to be nipping through the traffic on your bike, but manola, this morning.. I mean.. given that you’re not in a lane, you’ve just made your own up, you’re approaching the exit slip road of a motorway, it’s dawn and you’re dressed like a fucking SAS sniper in someones blind spot, don’t be fucking surprised if you’re hard to see!

It’s not inconceivable that someone might want to change lanes, from either side of you, at this point!

It’s the car driver who’ll look like a dick when you’re decked out with your limbs all wrong covered in bits of bike, you’ll get all the sympathy! I realise of course that there are dickhead motorcyclists as well as dickhead car drivers but all I’m trying to do is get to work without having a fight or killing one of you clowns so just fucking ride your bike with some brains you bollockses!!!!

It’s that social side that stops people intentionally drink-driving rather than any punishment.

Aside from one or two characters, I don’t know anyone that goes out on the piss with the express intention of driving home but I do know plenty that get up the morning after a night on the lash and drive to work. This, it appears, is still socially accepted. Probably because “we’ve all done it” at some point.

Indeed, a few times I’ve spent a bit longer in the shower, had a bite to eat and a brew before heading to work, a little bit unsure whether I would be over the limit or not should I get pulled.

Anyhow, last night.. this happened… error.co.uk/greville.

Luckily, that’s not me in the picture it’s Grev and clearly he wasn’t stopped because we’d been to the pub but because he was on his phone! He made a call at the lights, drove off, had been on it about a minute, then got the blues and twos and pulled over.

“Were you making a 999 call sir?”
“No I wasn’t.”
“Got any points on your licence at the moment?”
“No..”
“Come with me then >:>”

Sixty-quid lighter and three points later we were on our way. I’ve done a bit of reading about being on your phone whilst driving and it’s generally accepted by anyone that’s ever done any research into it that being on your phone is even worse than being drunk. How is that?! I just can’t see it.

First off, I’m not advocating being on your phone and driving round central London, if you’re driving a car you should really have both hands on the wheel and be looking where you’re going. I just think that the law doesn’t reflect what the research states. If it did, being on your phone would result in a larger punishment. Is it a money maker? Incidentally he also wasn’t wearing his seatbelt but this was never mentioned.

Questions I demand an answer to:

1) How much alcohol is equivalent to using your phone? There’s no way that making a call is the equivalent of a Thursday night on the lash. One pint? Two pints? Four pints, two tequilas, three double-JDs and a Cobra in the curry-house?

2) If it’s worse than drink driving, why does it only net you 3 points and a £60 fine? Drink driving carries a minimum 12 month ban, up to a £5000 fine and max of three years in prison.

3) Why are smoking a cigarette, drinking a coke, chatting to a passenger, listening to a debate on the radio any worse than talking on the phone?

I appreciate that you can get done for driving without due care and attention for doing any number of things if it looks like you’re not concentrating but why make having a mobile phone in your hand a specific offence? Why not just crack down on shit drivers full stop?!

I think I need to devise an experiment and do some research myself! Watch this space. Anyone got a fake shop-display Nokia I can drive around with? :-) (I’M KIDDING!)

Well, we made it to Split and I’m currently uploading a trimmed set of photos (still amounts to 408!) whilst sat in my pants back in DJ Towers, London. Will put some of the highlights on Facebook thought it’s definitely worth flicking through here for some hidden gems.

Video editing was a nightmare this year what with cars in our convoy breaking down, power supplies exploding at every opportunity etc but we have plenty footage that I’ll glue together this week. Wish it could have gone up day by day, hopefully watching us on GPS was good enough :-)

All you need to know really for now is that it was a brilliant few days, and we made it :-) The picture above was taken in a Split car park and you see me and cookie celebrating with a tequila beer!

The day began on less of a high than you’d think. Mainly because we were all a bit tired and moody from the huge delays and lack of sleep on the ferry the night before. At least we were here though, some unfortunate souls were still stuck in Dover at 8.30am as everyone else was setting off… well I say everyone else becuase one of our convoy the “Manchester Hacienda Crew” had a water leak which took a while to bodge so we didn’t actually kick off till 11:15.. ah well we only had 550+ miles to drive..

It’s amazing how far some chopped up rubber pipes, a splodge of Araldite and a jubilee clip will get an old C Class mercedes and at every stop today we’ve been well thankful for the extra miles. Whether the Alps and The Stelvio Pass (fuck!) will be conquered remains to be seen.

The DJ Mobile is surviving but it’s had a bit of a limp since the Swiss border when the inverter blew two fuses and then went *pop* extinguishing the light show. Onwards and upwards though because we’re stepping up to a 600W one tomorrow!

Right it’s time to go and meet the rest of the teams in the Bar for the evening. A big hello to those of you that said Hi this morning (The two-tone 7 series and the Top Gun Pilots in the Saab especially!)

No video right now since they usually get done in the car before arrival (which has been difficult without power!) and now I’m off for a beer which has been totally fucking earned!

What you see from the front are the RACING STRIPES and the silhouettes of myself and Cook! So far the interior has advanced a bit but the full-monty effect is yet to be revealed (we’re going larger than last year!)

Right, more soon!

Matts car was faster, so was Seans and it was newer too, nothing will ever eclipse the awesomeness of the fletchmobile and so Rossa was getting quite a chip on his shoulder having to lug a 2 tonne 3.0l long-wheelbase diesel monster around.

This lead to a lot of interesting driving techniques, always having to be first in the line, getting away sooner than everyone else.. all because there was something to prove. I think it hit home properly a couple of weekends ago when we went mountainbiking in Wales, there was a LOT of messing about with bikes and roof-racks – absolutely NOT The Penthouse style.

Well, I like to think of myself as a leader and following hot on the heels of my astounding choice in motorcar is Aaron, who on Wednesday picked up his new car that you can see above. A two year old E64 M6.. tasty! Hopefully having the fastest (4.5 seconds), most powerful (500BHP) and newest car in the fleet has sorted him out.. although I have just heard rumour that he’s moving to Clapham(?!) so perhaps this is all just a dream.

Six series ftw!