Kiwi Tom
3 min read

Kiwi Tom

I don’t think I’ve dedicated a post entirely to one person before. Although Kiwi Tom – my current roommate in Nelson, BC – is intensely annoying I do have a soft-spot for him.

Certainly my time here cannot be accurately reflected without writing about him.

Tom smokes a lot of powerful weed, locally known as BC Bud. He smokes it all day every day like you or I might breath air.

He looks a bit like a figure in a Lowry painting; skinny, taller than average, squinty eyes and a bumfluff moustache. There is a constant shit-eating grin plastered on his face and his movements are spasmodic and animated. Think Johnny Depp in Fear and Loathing.

As I’m typing this he has just run into the room we share, a steptoe-and-son bend in his back, grinning and giggling like someone let loose from an asylum. He sat down on my bed and flashed a bottle of tequila:

Faaack bro! he growls. I godduss this for aaferr the pub. Faaaack we should drink iiit before we go. Get grizzled!

This is a pretty standard sort of interruption. A total stream of consciousness.

I wanted to keep hold of some of his insights, hanging out with him is like being inside one of those The things kids say! columns. I’m sure I have forgotten most of his classics, but here are a few I can remember.

We’re crossing the road back from the liquor store when he stops me stepping out into an empty road. This is strange since we wander aimlessness all the time.. I ask him what he’s doing because there’s clearly no traffic and completely seriously he just says:

“Yeah but I don’t want you to get run over.  While you’re carrying all that beer.”

The following is something he repeats on-loop all day, at least every 10 minutes.

“Faaaacck bro, I’m fackin stoned”.

Just get someone to tell you that every few minutes.. it drives me bonkers.

Tom stands an inch away from the mirror, doing a detailed study of his face. He removes his hat, runs his hands through his hair and almost breaks down cackling at his own reflection.

“Faaack!”. “Faaacck bro! I’m fackin.. faaaack!”

Every day Tom wakes me up by doing something petulant and annoying. This morning he slammed a magazine on the edge of my bed and jiggled it about. I went back to sleep, so he put it under my pillow and did the same. I swung for him but didn’t really connect and I managed to nod off again.

Within minutes he’d rolled it up and was windmilling me in the in the head with it. Get up you lazy pom fucker!”.

It was 7AM.

Quite often when I’m winding him up all he can muster is

“Fack off y’dick head” / “Y’fackin pom”

That’s pretty much on repeat all day too.

Another wake up call, this time tearing my bedsheets off and flapping them about repeatedly in my face. This was accompanied by an obscene verbal attack on the British which I can’t repeat.

It was 6AM.

One evening Tom walks in the room and punches me in the arm. I clout him back without thinking and catch him pretty squarely a bit too hard if I’m honest.

“Ow, y’dick head!”. “Pub?”.

Here’s a typical tale:

“Faaaack bro, I should fackin’, shit, I’ve got that weed, I wanna, I should roll a fatty…. you think I should fackin roll a fatty, bro?.. bro? I think I’m gonna roll one, have a smoke bro. Faaack, I went to this cafe today and had a coffee. Faack, a cofeee… bro I think I should smoke this pipe, I wanna take a pipe back to New Zealand ay but faaackm are they illegal? Faaack. Imagine.”

Imagine, is one of toms favourites. He preceeds the proposal of some ludicrous situation with the word “imagine” then waits for comment on it.

“Imagine if that chick with the tits came round here bro and I was fackin stoned passed out on the couch with a half semi-on on the couch bro!”

What’s a half semi-on?

“I smoke so much weed man! Imagine if I turned into a big weed plant! People would try to smoke me bro!”

”I bet when we come out of the pub bro, there’s gonna be a METRE of snow on the ground people will be riding round in bobcats and bulldozers, skidoos too. Faack bro, it’s gonna be great, yeah.. you’ll owe me a fackin beer”

“Faaack smoke some hash bro it’s fackin Christmas bro!”

“You know the film Lord of the Rings?” “People say I’m like Gollum”

“What time is rock o’clock, ten o’clock? Oi, what time’s rock o’clock ? What’s o’clock ?”

I dunno if his character is truly coming through, but I’m laughing like a drain remembering some of this stuff.

Merry Christmas.